March 2012 recap

March came & went in a hazy blur.  Despite being overjoyed to be in our new home it was an emotional month for me personally as it was on March 9th that I had a Dr appointment which solidified that I indeed had postpartum depression.  Although I had the signs of PPD all the way back to October (if not earlier) I was so busy with moving, building, spitty bitty Clay, and life that I just kept throwing myself on the back burner.  Well... 20+ lbs added on up the scale over the course of 4 months and I realized it was time I start taking care of myself again.  After a couple months of trying to get out of my funk on my own without any success I went to the Dr to have my thyroid checked as well as a few other health concerns.  When I completed the depression self-assessment it was obvious that I needed help.  I began taking citalopram and within a couple weeks my outlook was much more hopeful.  Before taking the medication I was on a quick slide downhill to destruction.  I had a bad attitude which I took out on my most loved ones, I cried numerous times throughout the day, panicked at even the thought of running to Target for fear of running into someone I knew not to mention the thought alone of taking 2 kids out by myself seemed overwhelming.  I seemed to eat away my problems without even thinking 2x about it.  I was miserable and so was everyone else around me.

I should have seen the signs much sooner as I experienced a short bout with depression back in 2003.  I didn't experience any sort of PPD when I had Chloe so I was surprised that while I was experiencing all these dreams come true (baby #2, building my realistic dream house, being a stay-at-home-mom) I didn't understand why I was so sad in the midst of it all.  I guess that's how depression is... you just never know when it's going to hit and even though I knew I should be happy and even though I knew I was blessed.... I just couldn't seem to find the JOY in it. 

I grew spiritually so much during these months.... and still am!  Instead of dwelling on the lies the devil was feeding my mind I cried out to God for help - for healing - for strength.  I was hesitant to go on medicine because I believed that spiritually God could heal me without it... and I still do believe in the divine intervention of my Lord but when the Dr. said the very blunt words that there was no question I needed to be on medication I knew I needed it too and I'm very glad I am on it.  The plan is to go off of it in September. 

Fast forward three and a half months to the end of June... life is COMPLETELY different.  I am happy to say that I just completed 10 weeks of an intense fitness program called Farrell's eXtreme Bodyshaping.  While my weight maintained (only lost 1.5lb) my strength increased tremendously and I lost 3.5% of my bodyfat.  When I started I could do 18 "real" pushups in a minute... by the end of 10 weeks that number had increased to 31 in a minute!  My sit-ups increased from 25 to 42.  That feels awesome.... and I feel awesome!  I'd be lying if I said I was "ok" with my weight staying the same... of course I'm not and I still hope to lose those 20lbs but physically, emotionally, spiritually I am at such a different place than I was 10 weeks ago.  Once again God is proving His faithfulness to me.  I continue to trust Him, to rejoice in His Truth, to know that I was created perfect in His image.  I have been praying that this journey to becoming healthy would not be one out of vanity or a number on the scale or a specific size of clothing.  But rather I've been praying that my heart would be content with whatever shape my body was or whatever size it looked like after making the commitment to take steps towards being "healthy".  All I can do is workout and eat smart but ultimately it is up to God if He is going to bless me with a body "this world" would define as beautiful.


Although my 10 weeks at FXB is done, and although I could continue on as a FIT member, as of yesterday I have joined the YMCA to try some new classes and to switch it up a bit. I am excited to take Zumba, BodyPump, and to use the pool facilities with the kids this summer!  I love having energy to PLAY with my kids... I love the feeling of knowing I am taking care of my body and being healthy... even if the outside of my body might not reflect that.  It is a day by day process to accept that I don't look like my skinny friends, or that I don't have perfectly toned arms.  But there is no satisfaction greater than knowing I am STRONG physically and most importantly spiritually.  
 
I can tell you one thing... my heart has never been healthier.  And for that, I am blessed.  My heart desires God... my heart desires God's desire for my body, my heart, and my life... He IS faithful... even when the outcome isn't exactly what I think it should look like.  I will continue to trust Him.  I will continue to pray that I will be content with whatever "shape" my body is.